Saturday, May 23, 2009

con't

Second problem, family side.

My sister was giving me hell. I don’t know what’s the matter with her nowadays but she just keep on annoying me. and my parent don’t even bother how annoyed I was or just say that they didn’t bother what state I’m in.

My other sister just came back. Since the first second she joined the family, me and azzam are the centre to blame at. well, afterwards azzam cheated on me because he was dazzled by the new shoes she bought him. Of course I didn’t get a thing while the whole family was busy mesmerizing their new stuff.

I always think about this particular thing even though when I was just a primary school student. It is ‘am I really a part of this family?’

I knew that I wasn’t adopted. But there is just no chemistry between me and my family. As if we actually just family in name. maybe I was a part of this family. A part that who will always get blame. A part who will always be the bad ones. A part that will always be nothing and will always not giving effect to the bigger picture.

This thing had been playing in my mind for since I learnt how to calculate.

Third problem, friendship sides.

I’ve got a lot to type for this.

First thing first, I fought with vase. Yes. With a vase. He was just being ridiculous and I’m not his fucking maid. He’s been searching for my fault and he finally got it to yell it at me. I don’t know what’s wrong with him. He changed much. Very much. Yeah, I’m mad at him but I can’t help being concerned about what’s wrong with him. He said he ain’t got any problem but I just knew he was lying. He was not the vase I know. His hand remains the same for me to hold but the heart is not. He was just the vase I know physically. I lost my vase. I don’t know how but I really lost my vase and I want my vase back no matter what. I really want my best vase ever back. I want him back. I need him to be back.

Second. I’ve been avoiding my old pals. Yeah. Not their fault. I’ve been saying to myself I avoided them because they changed so much. But not them. It was me. I’ve been pushing myself around. I just want to appear in my fittest, perfect state to their eyes. Because I don’t want to be the one who is lacking off everything. I don’t want to be the bottom of the list. I don’t want to be the one who is always getting blame at after all I’ve had at home. For just once I want to be the better. For just once I want to be among the top and they told me I changed to bitchier.

I wonder. I didn’t realize I changed. I less hangs out around them much yes I admit. But being bitchier? i realized when I was with my classmates, I was being myself. Shouting out loud, having fun. Not caring what the hell everyone said. And when I’m with my old pals, I was very careful with my behavior. I think before I speak. I’m afraid that I might hurt them. I’m afraid that I will be look down at. I just don’t want to be the bitch.

I didn’t realize that hanging around my classmates more than them made them upset. Because I always thought that I meant nothing to them. Just like I meant nothing to my siblings. I always thought they will never bother losing me in the group. Whether I’m there or not, there is no difference.

Now I’m stuck in the middle. I know that I’m friend now with the one that one of us hate. I’m sorry. I just want to blend in with my classmates. I just don’t want to hate her. I’m sorry. I can’t hate her because she never made me hate her. I know you hate her and I’m very sorry that I’m being soft-hearted. 4Y boys or girls are always together all around so it’s hard for me not to be together with her too. Once again, I’m sorry. Very-very sorry. Zillions apologies.

Conclusion of all the problems, I really want to have a candle-light talk here. Whether with my friends or my family or my stalker and who. I want to have a candle-light talk to everyone who is involved in this writing which only I knew everyone.

A5th posted at 12:06 AM